Monday, 20 July 2009

Wasps vs. Bees

Yeah, like there's really any competition. Let's face it, wasps are the evil scum of the insect world. If they were human beings they'd be evil dictators or serial killers. I'm serious. You check out a wasps nest. They've probably got dead ants hidden under the floorboards. I'm 73% confident I've seen a wasp trying to buy a gun outside Kings Cross station.

Bees, on the other hand, are the Jean Claude Van Dammes of the insect world. They're happy to go about their business, collecting pollen in the sacs on the back of their legs (admittedly, I can't confirm JVCD does that...) without harming a soul. But step into their back yard with some unnecessary attitude and they will be prepared to open a sweet can of sting face. What's even more admirable is that once they've dealt their pointy brand of justice, they fall on their sword and bite the bullet. Such honour. JCVD has the same code of honour, albeit he only promises not to cheat, and doesn't actually go so far as to die after dishing out a series of improbable roundhouse kicks straight into his enemy's neck.

Such a shame then, that wasps are built like missiles. When they spot their prey, there is virtually no stopping them. A well-aimed chop can knock their nasty little faces off, but you need the speed and accuracy of a seasoned lumberjack. A colleague of mine bore the brunt of a stripy-tailed bugger just the other day. We were happily strolling to the Tesco garage to purchase some lunch (classy) when one of the little winged bastards swooped down and stung him right on the ear! No warning, apparently no motive and certainly no need. Rotten.

So there you have it. Wasps are ruthless shits, whereas bees are gentle, but hard as nails Belgians.

Saturday, 11 July 2009

Not old, just stupid?

I've got this thing where I can never remember if I've just locked a door or turned something off. Strange. If I had a pound for every time I've walked back to my front door to check I've locked it... well I'd be a rich man. Not crazy rich, but I could probably afford to get a front door that locks itself automatically.

It's the same with my car. Get out, lock door, walk five steps away, turn back and check I locked the door. Sometimes I even check I've put the handbrake on too. Which I always have done because, well, why wouldn't you?!

I also check my pockets about five times before I leave somewhere. "Hmm, phone, wallet, keys... good..... now, have I got my phone...?"

Some people say it's because I'm getting old. I'm 28. In the grand scheme of things that's not really very old. I think a cat lived longer than that once.

Therefore, I can only assume I'm an idiot. Now please excuse me while I go check I turned the oven off.