Monday, 22 June 2009

Lazy Bastard

It's come to my attention (i.e, I remembered) that I haven't written a blog in ages. Though that is in part because I couldn't be arsed, it's also because I've been rather busy, what with all the work, holidaying, footballing, burning my face lots of times in the sun, sitting, watching films, eating, pointlessly doing other stuff and generally just not bothering to write anything outside of work. Since I last wrote I've driven nearly 2,000 miles in a foreign country and eaten approximately 7 croissants. That could well be a conservative estimate. So, just to bring you up to date with what I've been up to, here is a list of facts and figures detailing my life since my last blog:

+ Driven 1,900 miles to the South of France. If anyone has ever done something similar, you'll know that French motorways are something of a double-edged sword. Yes, the sheer lack of other cars makes them a joy to drive on between cities, but their road signs are so shit-smearingly awful that you could easily find yourself flying helplessly past your exit and ending up in the centre of Paris going round and round on the busiest road in the world. Cretins.

+ Eaten lots of croissanty type goodies. They might be rubbish at signposts, but they know a thing or two about building pastries.

+ Visited Barclays Bank twice to use their coin deposit machine without managing to deposit any coins. I finally got round to emptying my Bell's Whisky jar of coppers and silvers and quite simply would like to pay them into my account. By my reckoning I must have about £100-worth just sitting there. Weighs an absolute ton, let me tell you. But, much to my annoyance, both times I've gone to the branch the machine has been full. WELL BLOODY EMPTY IT THEN!!! On sensing my annoyance, the kind staff suggested I go to Morrison's, where I will have the pleasure of paying a supermarket to put my own money into my own account. They should have just slapped my face and kicked me in the shin.

+ Seen roughly four naked people that weren't me or my girlfriend. Turns out folk like to tan their genitals in the South of France. But hey, with a ratio of three slender twenty-something ladies to one baggy old codger, it could have been far more unpleasant.

+ Burnt my face three times. Will I never learn? Massive globe of furiously burning gasses in sky + one pasty-faced Englishman = idiot with a head the same colour as a freshly skinned salmon. With my track record of facial burning, it's a good thing I don't subscribe to the French 'sans pants' sunbathing technique.

+ Killed something close to 1 million flies. No shit. I was driving home along the M3 last night and must've gone through a swarm of midges or something. I honestly thought it was raining at first because of the amount of splodges on the windscreen. I now have a car that looks like a giant bogey from the front.

+ Watched one film that genuinely made me laugh out loud. The Hangover is great. Especially the hairy guy.

I'm gonna stop now. To be frank, I wasn't jotting down the amounts of everything I did over the last few weeks and my memory is far too poor to recall any more. I'll try not to leave it so long next time. Adieu.