Friday, 9 September 2011

If I were Prime Minister...

OK, it's not a particularly likely scenario, but if everyone went brilliantly mental for long enough to make me Prime Minister, I'd have a selection of bills to pass as a matter of urgency. Sure, I'd probably have to sort out things like crime, war and other important stuff, but these would be the policies/laws/rules I'd push through when I wasn't bombing oil-rich countries...

1) Anyone spotted using a hands-free kit when they're not in a car will have their hands removed instantly. Especially if they're holding the phone to their ruddy mouths anyway. Off with their hands. Now who's hands-free, bucko?

2) Women's magazines are hereby banned from making things up, then ridiculously 'proving' they're true by writing "sources close to Brad and Ange confirmed this." Grazia is perhaps the main culprit of this shit-smearing brand of journalism. Well guess what? I just spoke to sources close to Grazia and, apparently, everyone in the office smells of bums and wee.

3) Driving more than 2mph below the speed limit will be as punishable as driving 2mph over the limit. Anyone caught doing 40mph in a 60mph zone will have their license and car taken away, only to be replaced by a push bike and a snazzy set of lights.

4) Rom-coms will be banned. This might seem harsh, but it's for the greater good. Ask yourself this: have you ever watched a rom-com then, as the credits roll, thought "ha ha, well, that sure was amusing as well as being a realistic portrayal of how relationships usually work out. Good on them!" If your answer is 'yes', then you're banned too. Jennifer Aniston will just have to carve out a new niche.

5) Stupidity in public is a criminal offence. Sure, be an idiot in your own home, but don't inflict your barren mind-bastardry on the rest of us.

6) Anyone sporting a beard with no moustache will only be allowed outside during Halloween.

7) I shouldn't be allowed near a keyboard when I'm this tired.

8) This is little more than a collection of words slipping out of my baggy mind onto a page now.

9) I'm going to stop. This has all been rather silly.

10) If anyone really wants a hug they should just be able to ask a stranger without it seeming weird. But you're not allowed to be insulted if they say no. Yeah. I see no way in which that wouldn't improve the world.

11) Can I have a dishwasher?

12) I think I can see a fox outside. Hmm.