If, like me, your daily intake of the news consists largely of skimming over the important stories and concentrating instead on the tales of pigs with three testicles and trees that smell like Battenberg, you will probably have noticed that AskJeeves.com recently published a list of the top 10 “unanswerable” questions. I was intrigued to discover what these questions were and very much looked forward to rubbing my chin and exhaling loudly as I nodded in agreement with Jeeves. These questions really must be too hard, I confidently assumed. In many ways I was already feeling a little bit sorry for the chap, after all he’s just a butler and here he was expected to make sense of questions that are physically impossible to answer! The poor bastard. Imagine my surprise then, when the majority of them actually seemed positively ‘answerable’. Follow me down the garden path as I attempt to answer the top 10 unanswerables.
1. What is the meaning of life?
Honestly? There is no meaning of life. It just happened and now we’re here. Why does it have to have a meaning? Just enjoy it you overly analytical brain-bastard. I saw a poo on the pavement earlier. It didn’t have a meaning; it was just smelly.
2. Is there a God?
There are loads. And they’re all fictional. My personal favourite is Ate, the ancient Greek goddess of foolish actions. I mean, who doesn’t love You’ve Been Framed, right?!
3. Do blondes have more fun?
No. Fun people have more fun. I’m fairly sure it’s not hair colour dependent. Hugh Hefner had brown hair back in the day. You do the math.
4. What is the best way to lose weight?
Seriously? This question was deemed unanswerable?! Jeeves, pack your bags and get out. GET OUT. HOP IT! Obviously the best way to lose weight is to stop eating all that shit and do some fucking exercise.
5. Is there anybody out there?
OK, so this one is a bit tricky. Unless you just mean outside your house, in which case, yes, there is someone out there. If you mean out there in space, I’m going to go with “yes” here too. If the universe is infinite, I find it hard to believe there isn’t at least one other planet with the right conditions for life. We’ll probably never meet them though. Infinity is quite a large distance. Longer than a marathon, certainly.
6. Who is the most famous person in the world?
The correct answer to this is, “Who gives a ruddy arse?”
7. What is love?
To quote Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers, “True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.” That’s lovely, but it’s rubbish. I love Papa John’s XL Hawaiian, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have a soul to reflect mine. I think it’s when you care for someone or something enough that the thought of them coming to harm makes your stomach go all scrunched up. And that’s why I personally believe pizza delivery men should all drive Volvos.
8. What is the secret to happiness?
Good health, good friends, good family, good times. Oh, and an endless pile of money. When I hear people say you can’t buy happiness, it makes me want to punch them really hard right on the bloody face. 90% of my day-to-day stress and worry stems from money or the lack thereof. Remove 90% of my stress and I guarantee I’ll be happier.
9. Did Tony Soprano die?
I’m afraid I genuinely can’t answer this one, as I never watched the show. If I had to guess, I’d say he survived, moved to Sheffield, built the world’s largest Laser Quest arena and grew an impressive, but not award-winning moustache.
10. How long will I live?
If you honestly think that an Internet search engine will be able to answer that, then there’s a good chance you’re already brain dead.