Incidentally, that heading has nothing to do with people who have a broad field of sexual preferences. That'll come up in future though possibly? Who knows...
Well, it’s now February 25th and Christmas seems like an absolute age ago. It’s at roughly this time of year that I realise I’m thoroughly bored of cold weather and thoughts turn to the upcoming summer. Like some kind of brainwashed idiot bastard, I still think of summer as being a few months of dazzling sunshine and warmth, even though the last time that happened was sometime in the 1970s. I blame Wimbledon. And ants. Sneaky. Let's face it, we're probably going to get 2-3 hours of direct sunlight sometime in June and that'll be it.
Anyway, as I reach this temperature-based watershed, I thought it might be a good opportunity to look back at the things I’ve achieved so far in 2011…
1. I went to the dentist for the first time in about 5 years. You might think that’s an extreme length of time to go without having the nashers checked, and you’d be right. The thing is, last time I went to dentist he charged me £60 just to look at the bastard things, then told me he’d be needing in the region of £300 to sort them out. I spat in his general direction – he asked me to, it was that mouthwash stuff, not an act of defiance – then ran away crying into my wallet and never went back. So imagine my surprise recently when I finally found an NHS dentist, had a check up for 16 reasonable English pounds, and was told that my teeth are in great condition and the only work I needed was to replace my one and only filling because it was a bit old. So there you go, apparently I’m a great brusher and have exemplary oral hygiene. But it all begs the question: what the fuck was the previous thieving tooth shit going on about?! Was he some kind of tooth fairy crime lord? Arses.
2. I finally investigated Spotify. Very rewarding. I can now listen to tracks like Don Henley’s Boys Of Summer and Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing without ever having to pay for them. There’s no downside to that arrangement. Still can't get the brigging Facebook friends’ playslists thing working though…
3. I pulled a hamstring. Standard. It’s my once-a-season ritual. Thankfully it didn’t tear this time. That would have been a proper bugger.
4. Last week I wrote the final ever issue of the Buffy & Angel magazine. Sadface. It is no longer part of my job to watch episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel in the office. Genuinely upset.
5. Perhaps my greatest achievement so far this year is commuting into London every day without punching anyone’s face. I walk a tightrope every day. Fall one way and the result is a train carriage full of violence and rude words. Fall the other way and I slowly curl up into a ball of frustration so tight that I eventually disappear under my own field of gravity.
What a start to the year I’ve had. It sure puts Colin Firth to shame! Loser.
