Joy Sad Joy Sad

All too often, it has to be said, I take to these digital pages to grumble about something that’s irked me in the past few days/weeks/months/since I was born. For those of you who don’t see me all that often, you probably think I’m a right miserable old bludger. That’s only 99% true, so in order to show that I am genuinely content at least some of the time, I hereby vow to balance every moany statement of displeasure with a statement of inversely proportional floaty joy. I guarantee this will last for at least one post. So let’s kick this off with a passage of unbridled ecstasy. I’ll even do my best to end on a high too…

Reason to smile
Hooray! The clocks go forward this weekend! Lighter evenings! Summer’s on its way! A sneaky suspicion that the unremitting ruddy bleakness of winter is finally over! And who cares if we technically lose an hour of sleep? It’s a Sunday for Christ’s sake (literally), it’s not like I’ve got to be up for work; I’ll just stay in bed an extra hour! Delicious!

Reason to moan
Jim Carrey was wrong when he suggested in Dumb & Dumber that a loud, shrieking guttural sound was the world’s most annoying noise. Clearly it’s actually selfish people on the train (surprise, surprise…). This morning I was treated to a cacophony of clicking, whirring, beeping, tapping and general fuck-facedness. General rule: if you can hear the cunty sounds your phone is making, then so can everyone else in this cramped, enclosed space! Please either turn your phone to silent when in close proximity to hordes of potentially violent strangers, or LEAVE THE FUCKING THING ALONE FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES! FUCK!

Reason to smile
In just over a month I will be going to La Manga with three fantastic human beings for a week of sun, fun and no doubt lots of great chat. Who knows, if the weather’s decent I might even come back a slightly darker shade of translucent! It’s been 10 years since the four of us last went on holiday together, so this will be a real pleasure. Looking forward to it massively.

Reason to moan
Service providers – you know, those companies supposedly in existence to provide us with services – are being a bunch of throbbing arseholes again. Given that Barclays has just paid the head honcho a reported £6million bonus, you’d have thought dealing with my credit card application would be a stroll in the park. I mean, any company dishing out bonuses like that must be well-oiled, ruthlessly efficient machines that constantly surpass expectations of excellence, no? Apparently not. 1 month, 2 letters and a host of pointless, confused and utterly rancid phone conversations later, I’m still no closer to getting said card. Given that I’ve held a current account with them since I was about 4, you’d have thought it would be pretty simple. Elsewhere, I recently discovered that Vodafone have been charging me 83p every day for the past two-and-a-half months for accessing the Internet on my phone. Actual number of times I’ve accessed the Internet on my phone = zero. Cool.

Reason to smile
Two of the greatest couples in the world have recently announced that they are expecting! I’m absolutely over the moon for them and can’t wait for the mini humans to arrive later this year. Great day for the club! To top it all off, I’m even going to be Godfather to one of them! Wowaweewa! From now on I will only respond when addressed as The Godfocker. What’s that? Andy? I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.

Reason to moan
I’m not sure if it’s my newfound interest in coffee, the almost tracing paper-thin nature of my bedroom curtains or the close proximity of the railway station, but I honestly don’t think I’ve had a full night’s sleep in about two months. Pretty annoying really. I even tried sleeping in an eye mask last night to cut out the light. Turns out it’s about as comfortable as being teabagged ALL NIGHT.

Reason to smile
Ummm… lambs… lambs and all that? Daffodils.